More Shit You Never Knew About Chuck Norris

Courtesy,again, of Leon...

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse
kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to
"Fucking."

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is
only another fist.

There are two kinds of people in this world: people
who suck, and Chuck Norris.

In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck
Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the
future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch
on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J.
Fox, which years later they discovered is the cause of
Parkinson's disease.

Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains
and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for
oral sex, KFC and Tequila.

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
The only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known
as the beginning of the Holocaust.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the
world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down!

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of
creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a
massive erection. There were no survivors.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects
Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room
itself.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick
wall in a game of tennis.

When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy
crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with
him. At that point, she was the third girl he had
slept with.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just
refuses to put up with lactose's shit.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting
himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.